If you can't get someone off your mind, are they really supposed to be there?

HELP: Anonymous damsel in bothersome distress.

Once again, we got a question from someone who posted anonymously in response to one of our previous posts. This is what she said:

"u know how they say if you cant get someone of your mind
maybe they are supposed to be ther?

well what if you dont want them there because it hurts just
to think abou them. and this could be either i relationship
tht just ended or one tht has never begun in my case it has
never begun and i dont think it ever will and everytime i think
about him it hurts and i dont know wat to do

i know he will never think of me the way i think of him but i
cant STOP thinking of him and its to much pain for me to bare"

July 1, 2008 10:51 PM

Alex says: This is definitely something that I think all of us have been through at one point or another, and maybe somebody has come up with a remedy for getting over people that are causing us pain, but I certainly have not. I am actually really terrible at navigating this situation. I think it's because I'm an idealist that thinks you know "where there's a will there's a way" and struggles to salvage every broken relationship. The truth is sometimes I wonder if the relationship is actually worth trying to save or if my emotions are just running my life. Presently, I'm still sticking to the former, but in the past it was the latter.

Anyway...my advice for if you're in Anonymous' situation where you're trying to get over a hopeless crush:
Even if you think you have absolutely no chance GO FOR IT. I mean, unless the object of your desire is somebody dangerous or abusive or sex-crazed (and you're not into that), you'll always regret not giving it a shot. Chances are you won't be able to just get them out of your head either if they're really stuck in there right now. BUT if you go flirt a little, make a move or at least start talking to the guy (or girl) then if it doesn't work you'll know it's because it really just wasn't meant to be. And if it DOES work out then you'll be forever grateful that you were brave enough to try. Now I'm assuming that you're not crushing on someone that isn't already taken because that changes things completely. (If anybody wants us to address what to do in that situation just let us know because I'm sure that would be very interesting.)

My advice for anyone that is getting out of a relationship is this: If your ex didn't cheat on you or hit you or do anything that would make it necessary for you to get rid of the loser for good then my only suggestion is to tell them how you feel. You never know if they may be regretting the break-up too or if they were just waiting for some affirmation that you two still have something. If they don't then you will be more content knowing that the possibility isn't out there.

NOW. You've tried all that, and it didn't work out. What do you do?

In my opinion, give yourself that night or the next day or something to wallow a little, eat ice cream, watch My Best Friend's Wedding, and cry under your covers. The next day, wake up at 8:00, look good and go hang out with your friends. Check out new possible potential whether you're ready to go for it or not (but in my opinion you should just be looking at this point). Flirting with other people and remembering that before you were with your ex you were hot and desired makes you feel so much better. Remember that your life does not have to revolve around one person. You are your own person who has their own life to live so go live it! Have fun! And once your ex notices how happy you are without them, they will definitely be confused and probably want you back so revel in it but don't feel obligated to fall for back into their arms. P.S. It also helps to exercise and eat well because you'll look great and feel healthier, stronger, and more prepared to face the world without your dumb ex.

Sami: Wow reading that question pretty much brought me back to my life about a year ago, so hopefully I will have a little insight into what your going through, because lets be honest I think that we've all been there. I for sure think that Alex is right about going for it! You might think that he will never like you but really guys (and girls) can be extremely confusing and you may think that he would never think of you the way you think of him but you should at least go for it! You only live once! But about your question on whether or not they're suppose to be in your constant thoughts, I think that your mind can do some pretty major tricks on you and make you believe that the object of your desire is the one for you and that you'll never stop thinking about them, but coming from a similar situation not too long ago, you WILL forget about him or her, you will move on and find some amazing person who really honestly deserves your constant attention. This moment is only temporary and you really will find out that you deserve soo much more than to be always thinking about someone who isn't always thinking about you. I'm sure that you are a truly amazing person, anonymous, and you will find that special person who will deserve your thoughts and who will be thinking about you all the time. So my advise is to not give up on love, and to possibly give up on the object of your current (but defiantly not forever) thoughts. I know that that can be much easier said than done, so here's a tip: get dressed up, looking fabulous, and go out with your girlfriends! (I mean who really needs guys when you have amazing friends!) while your out find yourself a highly attractive man and flirt a little! From my experience a little flirting, and your mind will most defiantly be off that loser that seems to be sneaking into your thoughts lately. I say go find someone else that will make you forget all about the boy you left at home! Trust me I know that forgetting about someone is NOT easy but you deserve to be happy and if your current crush cant give that to you, move on, there is defiantly someone else out there that can!